Conversations with grandchildren are always enlightening. They make us laugh and warm our hearts every time we connect with them. Grandchildren go through different stages in their lives and our relationship with them will changes as they get older.
Here are some tips to keep the conversation going.
- Develop your relationship with your grandchildren early
- Think ahead
- Let them express themselves without judgement
- Recognize some questions lead to difficult conversations
Develop your relationship with your grandchildren early
Even when they can’t talk, they are lively, engaged in life, picking up on everything and showing their feelings in everything they do. Start when they are just small with encouraging words, gestures and lots of hugs. Encourage them to express themselves as they start to talk.
Think ahead
Have in mind questions to spark a conversation.
If your grandchild is under 5 years old consider:
· What do you like to share with others?
· If you had a pet dragon, what would you name it?
· If your stuffed animals could talk, what would they say?
For 5 – 8 year olds consider these:
· You’re a photographer for a day, what would you take pictures of?
· What do you like to do to help your family?
· If you could make up a new holiday, what would it
For older grandchildren, here are some:
· If you could give $100 to a charity, which would you choose?
· If you wrote a book, what would it be about?
· What makes you feel energized?
You can always try reverse questions that ask them about you:
· What do you think I do when you are not around?
· If you were going to make a brand new ice cream flavour just for me, what would it be?
· If I had a superpower, what would it be?
Let them express themselves without judgement
Our grandchildren need to know they can talk openly when with us. They need to know there is no judgement, just a safe environment to express their thoughts, emotions and feelings.
When your grandchild starts talking, don’t interrupt. Let them talk their answer through. You never know what you will learn “out of the mouths of babes”.
Keep a journal
Keep a journal of your conversations with your grandchildren. It will serve as a great reminder of engaging talks with the ones we love so much. Through journaling, you will also see how their understanding of life changes as they mature. What they thought about in kindergarten will be different than what they will think about in grade 10.
Recognize some questions lead to difficult conversations
There may be times when your grandchild has answers that cause you concern or they have difficult questions and they may turn to you for support.
Don’t jump to conclusions
The most important thing is to not jump to conclusions. You don’t know what is wrong until you have a conversation. It might be something minor but if it’s not, it’s time to ask questions. It is when it persists, it is time to ask questions.
Create a safe space for conversation
To get started, create a safe space where you won’t be interrupted. Create an opportunity for conversation. Offer a cup of tea or do something quiet together that you both enjoy doing.
Reflect their feelings in your answers
It is easy as grandparents to see the situation as it is and instantly put it into ‘our’ perspective. We have been through it all ourselves and understand the motivation behind many situations. We may know that everything will be ok or that what happened wasn’t something to worry about, but our grandchild is only dealing with what is in front of them and their feelings are real. When the worry is not being invited to the party, simply acknowledge the worry with a simple comment, “I understand what you are saying. It is normal to feel disappointed or sad when you are not invited. It can make you feel like you are being left out.”
Acknowledge their feelings and let them talk about it. Doing anything else is minimizing their feelings.
Let the time be right
Our grandchildren are just like us. We don’t want to talk all the time. Don’t worry if your grandchild doesn’t respond to your queries. Don’t push for answers. Let them take their time and they will talk when they are ready.
Let them take their time to respond
Letting your grandchild take their time shows that you’re genuinely interested in what is going on with them and what they’re saying. Let them know you are there for them when they are ready to talk.
Teach them to take a deep breath
Conversations about stressful situations are stressful in themselves. Remind your grandchild to take a deep breath and take the deep breath with them. It not only calms them a bit, it also shows them you are in no hurry. You are there while they take their time.
Be honest
When talking to our grandchildren, honesty is the best policy. Don’t pretend to know what they are going through if you really don’t. We may have a lot of life experience but most of us don’t know what it’s like to be a kid in today’s world. Some things are the same (wanting to fit in) and some things are very different (online bullying). Acknowledge what is going on and learn about the situation through eyes of your grandchild.
Be honest with yourself
Admit that while our grandchildren are perfect human beings to us, sometimes they see a situation only through their youthful, innocent eyes. Don’t assume they are considering all the factors of the situation. There will be details that they omitted because they thought them unimportant or may not know about.
Let them talk it out and make a note to talk further at another time. If for example, they witnessed a fight during basketball practice and only talk about how it disrupted the game and not about the kids involved, it will all come out over time. Challenging them on their recollection will make them worry more.
This is all to say we can be supportive but when it is obvious, safety is involved it is important to ask questions about their feeling of safety. Some worries are simple to explain through. There is no one hiding in the basement. The sounds are the wind against the house. If they feel they are in danger, sometimes it is not something to let go e.g. someone following them or being bullied online. Find out why they feel they are in danger and talk it through with them.
Keep your promise
When your grandchildren trust you, they may share information with the caveat “Don’t tell Mom.” If you agree, you cannot say anything. But have a caveat of your own. When their physical, mental health and/or safety is in jeopardy, it’s time to bring in Mom and Dad. Find a way for your grandchild to talk to his/her parent(s) with you there supporting. Don’t let your grandchild feel like they are on their own to tell their parent about it.
The conversation with the parents
We know from experience that children don’t always confide in the parents for a myriad of reasons. Just bringing up the fact their child has something bothering them can be intrusive in their mind. Be clear with your intention and that you are being supportive of your grandchild, not judging them on their parenting skills.
Seek professional help when needed
We know when we are not the ones our grandchild needs, that they need to talk to a professional. Encourage the type of action as you see fit.
Remember you are not the parent but you can encourage your grandchild to continue to talk to you when they feel comfortable doing that.
Remember too that supporting a grandchild through a tough time can be stressful. Make sure you have your own supports in place and reach out to seek professional help yourself. If you have an Employee Assistance Program through work or through your pension benefits, take advantage of it.
We are the best help for our grandchildren when we are at our best.