As grandparents, we hold a treasure trove of wisdom, memories, and life experience, but there are some things best left unsaid when it comes to family.
While honesty and openness are key to strong relationships, there are certain topics that, when shared too openly, can cause tension, discomfort, or unnecessary stress within the family. After talking to grandparents, I have found there are five things we might want to keep private for the sake of harmony and well-being.
1. Unfiltered Opinions on Parenting
We have a lifetime of experience raising children, which can make it tempting to weigh in on how their adult children are raising the next generation. However, unsolicited parenting advice—even when well-intentioned—can easily be taken as criticism rather than support. Donne Davis, Founder and Director of GaGa Sisterhood, in her book, When Being a Grandma Isn’t So Grand, suggests grandparents “learn the parents’ language”. Through her research, she has found that each parent has a parenting style unique to them and grandparents need to take the time and have the patience to listen and learn. Our children are learning about grandparents from sources not available to us. We have to acknowledge that and focus on how they want to approach discipline, relationship-building and expectations. Her suggestion that grandparents today have to approach to grandparenting with an open mind and a closed mouth. In other words, it’s often best for us grandparents to offer encouragement instead of comparisons.
2. Financial Details
While discussing money in a healthy way is important, overly detailed financial disclosures—such as how much savings exist, who might inherit what, or what financial mistakes were made in the past—can stir unnecessary anxiety, jealousy, or entitlement among family members. We need to think about the conversations we want to have about our financial plans and consider who really needs to be directly involved. We should discuss our plans with our financial advisor, make decisions. We need to share our finances with the person we want to have power of attorney. This is someone we trust explicitly and will be discreet i.e. not share the information with anyone. It is a great responsibility to be given power of attorney and the person must understand what it means to have power of attorney.
3. Old Family Feuds and Secrets
Every family has some skeletons in the closet, whether it’s past disagreements, long-standing grudges, or hidden truths from previous generations. While it can be tempting to share dramatic stories from the past, some tales are better left untold. Revealing past conflicts may reopen old wounds or even create new ones, especially if the people involved are still around. It’s important to know when history is useful for learning and when it’s best kept in the past.
4. Health Struggles (To a Certain Extent)
There is no question we should keep their family informed about important health concerns, especially if they impact future care needs. However, frequent complaints or graphic details about medical issues may burden younger family members emotionally. One grandparent I talked with mentioned that she had slightly twisted her knee when gardening. Her son decided her knee could be severely damaged and that she needed a knee specialist. While she understood he meant well and she appreciated his caring, the heating pad which she put on it for 20 minutes that evening was all she needed. She joked that she should have focused the conversation on how well her roses were growing.
5. Personal Regrets
We all have regrets but we also have many many joys and most importantly lessons learned. That is not to say we shouldn’t share our personal history, not at all, but we need to filter what we share because we don’t want our stories to misconstrued into family members wondering what went on how they can help fix things. It is natural they want to help but is in the past is in the past. If there is a life lesson worth sharing, then the stories in the context of a lesion learned not a regret.
Final Thoughts
We, grandparents, have a special place in the family dynamic, offering love, stability, and wisdom. But choosing carefully what to share—and how—can make all the difference in fostering a positive, connected family environment. While honesty and openness are important, a thoughtful approach to communication ensures that relationships remain strong and filled with mutual respect and understanding.
What are your thoughts? Have you experienced situations where certain conversations with grandparents were better left unsaid? I’d love to hear your perspective!