We know each of our grandchildren is different and one of the best parts of being a grandparent is getting to know each one of them. Sometimes though,we may feel like we are struggling to make a connection. Our grandchild appears aloof and uninterested. It may because they are an introvert.
Grandchildren who are introverts are not alone. According to an Angus Reid survey
, 71% of Canadians self-identify as an introvert i.e. “a person who craves and thrives on quiet time”.
Being an introvert can be a good thing. We just need to be patient in developing a relationship with them. It takes time. Here are some things I have learned that may help you:
What is an introvert
What it means to be an introvert
Introverts are leaders and innovators
How COVID-19 has affected introverts
How to build a relationship with our introvert grandchildren
Introvert teenage grandchildren
What is an introvert
The first step is to understand their personalities as introverts. Psychologist Carl Jung was the first person to describe introverts in the 1960s, saying that they “prefer minimally stimulating environments and they need time alone to recharge. In comparison, extroverts refuel by being with others.”
Since then, various research studies have found additional characteristics common to introverts. They:
i) Prefer time by themselves
ii) Find social interactions tiring
iii) Have very few friends but seem comfortable with that
iv) Are introspective and curious
v) Seem to zone out a lot
vi) Don’t show much facial expression or reaction
Sound familiar? If you recognize those characteristics in your grandchild, you will want to understand what it means to be an introvert and never underestimate them .
When my daughter was young, she was the ultimate introvert. She was very quiet, didn’t engage in conversation very much and loved to retreat to read or draw. Yet her teachers told me she was well liked by her classmates. (I noticed that they never missed one of her birthday parties.)
When she was in grade 4, she announced she had made the basketball team, much to our shock. She never mentioned she wanted to play basketball or that she was trying out. She had quietly decided what she wanted to sent for it. She was the only one in grade to make the team. When she was in grade 7, her teacher told me how she was showing leadership skills in her own way and was mature in her interactions with everyone. In grade 8, she was voted valedictorian. This quiet introvert stood up in front of a gym full of her fellow students and their parents and spoke clearly and confidently.
Even as a mother now, she quietly builds relationships and confidently advocates for the needs of her children. I have learned over the years, never to underestimate her ability to make her way, in her own way.
What it means to be an introvert
It means inside that introvert head is a mind that is always working. Introverts are always watching, listening, and taking in the world around them.
It’s because their brains works differently. According to various experts, introverts have a longer neural pathway for processing stimuli so as they process information, they are also aware of their thoughts and feelings at the same time. No wonder they are so quiet. That is a lot going on in their minds.
Introverts are leaders and innovators
Our introvert grandchildren have a lot to contribute. It is very encouraging when you look at the list of famous introverts: Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Eleanor Roosevelt, Elon Musk, Emma Watson, J.K. Rowling, Meryl Streep, Warren Buffet and Mark Zuckerberg. From the arts to technology to financial acumen, introverts have and continue to change the world.
It is particularly encouraging to see that business is now recognizing introverts are leaders. Inc. a business magazine, notes in its article 4 Reasons Why Introverts Make Great Leaders: introverts are motivated by productivity, not ambition; they build more meaningful connections; they don’t get distracted easily and they solve problems with thoroughness rather than haste.
Watch for that in your introvert grandchild. They will quietly enjoy that which connects them with people on a one-to-one basis sharing ideas and working through problems. Watch them in the playground or at school or when they are hanging out with friends. They find satisfaction in meaningful interactions. Fast forward to their careers and as introverted leaders, they will gain more satisfaction from maintaining the team’s productivity and high-quality work than from rewards or accolades. They get to know the people on a one-to-one basis supporting their ideas and concerns for the project they are working on. They may be wired differently but definitely capable of success equal to that of an extrovert.
Introverts and mental health
A Canadian research study, reported by Psychology Today, found that introverts experienced more mental health issues than extroverts are. It is because extroverts tend to be more positive about issues around them and show more resilience. After all, they have wider social networks and have more contacts to keep in touch with. During COVID, they actively kept in touch with friends.
For introverts who think things through more than the rest of us, they can suffer from depression and social anxiety. Note that while an introvert grandchild needs time to be alone to recharge, they also need human connection. As grandparents, we can step up with compassion and understanding.
How to build a relationship with introvert grandchildren
In her book, Quiet Power, The Secrets Strengths of Introverts, Susan Cain explains the introvert personality well and offers some good suggestions:
Recognize that introverts are listeners
Recognize that introverts are intelligent
Know that small talk is not their thing
Watch for their need for alone time
Spend one-on-one time with them
Set the expectations for their participation
Smile and give hugs
Recognize that introverts are listeners
Because our society rewards those who are outgoing, outspoken, and competitive, we often assume that the quiet ones are shy or there must be something wrong. In reality, they aren’t talking because they are busy listening. They are taking the time to understand and think about their response instead of just blurting out comments to be heard.
As grandparents, we just need to let them be themselves knowing that when they are ready, they will speak up. Make sure though the extroverted grandchildren don’t think they can take advantage of the introvert. It’s easy for extroverts to take the stage all the time and not allow the introvert to participate as they want to. Introverts are easy targets for bullying.
Recognize that introverts are intelligent
Introverts are observers and listeners. While the conversation is going on, they are busy piecing the information together to process it in their way. They don’t speak unless they have something to say, so let them share their perspective in a compassionate, supportive environment. They tend to surprise.
Know that small talk is not their thing
Introverts don’t talk for the sake of talking. As such, they can appear aloof. They are not ones to chat about their day or how things are at school. They are not the ones to start conversations or keep it going. They do like quiet conversations with one or two people that allow them to develop friendships. They internalize their emotions so they can appear aloof. Don’t force them into conversations. You may think you are helping them, but you aren’t. Let them be.
Watch for their need for alone time
Introverts don’t mind being part of the activities and often enjoy the a-types in the crowd, but at some point, they will want to escape and be by themselves. Even if your grandchild is alone with you, give them time to read their book or draw or whatever recharges them. Letting them get lost in their thoughts, brings forward their creativity, intelligence and individualism.
Spend one-on-one time with them
Quiet conversations with the introverts bring out their unique qualities, ones that as grandparents we cherish. Let them lead the activity and let them learn to express themselves through conversations with you. Show them it is ok to be themselves.
Set the expectations for their participation
There is a difference between an introvert and being rude. They may like to be alone at times, but they must function in a world of talkers. They must greet people with a smile and make eye contact and respect the louder grandchildren, just as the louder kids must respect them.
Let them know they must come to dinner at the table with everyone else. They don’t have to be the life of the party, but they are part of the family.
Smile and give hugs
They may never ask for a hug, but they love them. A quick smile across the room assures them that you understand and are on their side.
Introvert teenage grandchildren
As our grandchildren reach their teens, grandparents aren’t as much fun to be with as their friends or their video games or social media networks. Connecting with teen grandchildren can be a challenge, particularly when the grandchild is an introvert.
One starting point is recognizing that teens face significant stress during the teenage years of their lives. We only need to reflect on our teenage years. While a different time, the pressures are almost the same – appearing cool, not being an outsider, what we wore, how we looked, who our friends were, being invited to the right parties. But now they are facing the unprecedented pressure of social media. Bullying can be relentless, never mind bullying online.
Remember that while we know teenage pressure becomes insignificant over a lifetime, they don’t have our experience or wisdom that comes with age. Their feelings are real and sometimes they are scared. Telling them don’t worry about it won’t suffice. It will appear to them that you, as a grandparent “just don’t get it.”
So, what do you do when your introvert teenage grandchild visits and prefers to retreat into their smartphone or book? Be there. That’s all.
It is surprising how silence is golden sometimes. Maye Musk, the international model for Cover Girl, Elon Musk’s mother and grandmother of 12, said in an interview with Canadian Grandparents that when she was visiting his grandson one time, he wanted to do something on his computer. “So, we sat together,” she said, “he on his laptop and me on my tablet. I updated my Instagram account. Building relationships with grandchildren is not about talking all the time.”
As with all grandchildren, teenage grandchildren need a place where they feel a sense of belonging. As grandparents, we play an important part in creating a supportive environment.
Always show them your love.