The world we Canadian grandparents grew up in has dramatically changed since we were grandchildren ourselves. While much of what our grandchildren experience is what we experienced too, we were at the forefront while our grandchildren were born into it.
Technology was starting to take hold and we adapted – answering machines, mobile phones, Selectric typewriters, fax machines, PacMan, Atari and email. Our grandchildren are natives to technologies growing up with it – smartphones, ebooks, video games on tablets, social media.
To experience other cultures, we travelled. Our grandchildren need only talk to a neighbour or go to school. Canada is rich with diverse cultures and cultural celebrations. Before COVID, they consistently registered for international learning and explore careers that allow them to live around the world. Technology now connects the world instantly and allows friends of youth to become life-long friends.
As the Canadian society has changed, so have Canadian grandparents.
Statistics Canada tracks grandparents starting at age 45 reporting 7.5 million grandparents in Canada in 2017 up 5.4 million (40%) in 1995. This is the highest number of Canadian grandparents since this type of data started being collected.
While the youngest grandparents tracked are age 45, the average age of Canadian grandparents was 68 in 2017 up three years from 65 in 1995.
Despite the population of Canadian grandparents being 7.5 million, grandparents now make up less of the Canadian population. Those Canadians aged 45 and older have decreased from 57% in 1995 to 47% in 2017.
What it means to be a Canadian grandparent
Many Canadian grandparents are boomers, a generation determined to change the world. That we did, and now as grandparents, are redefining what it means to be a grandparent.
One influencing factor is the prevalence of ageism in our youth-centric society. Grandmothers and grandfathers are instantly branded as old and slower to adapt and keep up. Since today’s Canadian grandparents don’t feel old and have no intention of giving in to being “old”, some of us are embracing less traditional names and adopting names from other cultures and even preferring to be called by their given name. It is being magnified by celebrities who are opting for names like Ouma (Maye Musk) and Glam-ma (Goldie Hawn).
We, Canadian grandparents, are enjoying the “grand” life of a grandparent despite the irony of the title. It is “grand” to be part of the life of a second-generation but it is also a reality that the parenting part of the title is not ours. Grandparents have no control over the fact they are even going to be grandparents, no control over when they become grandparents and are not responsible for the day to day life of their grandchild.
What we do know though is that being a grandparent, it is about connectivity between generations and we have much to offer and contribute. We are boomers who are educated, reasonably financially secure, healthy and active as they add “grandparent” to their lifestyle and all the emotions and untested expectations they have for themselves, their children as parents and their grandchildren.
Being a grandparent is about trial and error. We have been parents and can offer the wisdom that comes with “been there, done that”. But because there is no manual for grandparenting as there is none for parents, it is a new territory that has to be worked gradually. Many conversations with the grandchildren’s parents are necessary as well as biting of lips as parental wishes are respected.
Role of grandparents today
The role of grandparenting becomes more complex when societal changes are witnessed. Canadians are living longer thanks to better access to health prevention information, health procedures that keep them active, health care benefits to sustain a healthy lifestyle.
One cohort of the Canadian grandparent population, grandparents aged 85 and older has almost tripled since 1995 when they represented 3% of grandparents to 8% in 2017. Great grandparents are becoming more common. Canada’s beloved Gordon Lightfoot is a great grandfather.
Step- grandparents are normal as well. Marriages, remarriages have seen stepchildren proudly becoming parents. A new grandchild born into the stepfamily can solidify the bond already started with the blended family.
One key trait for today’s Canadian grandparents is adaptability. Statistics show that the average age when a Canadian first becomes a grandparent is 51 for women and 54 for men. Most grandparents are still working at that age particularly with early retirement being thought of as 55. It means being flexible in balancing work schedules, grandchildren’s needs, and parents’ preferences.
Canadian grandparents are adapting to technology easily. We were on the job when Blackberrys and PCs became the norm in the workplace. Now emails, texting and Facebook and Facetime, Zoom and Teams are the norm. Canadian grandparents are using technology to stay connected to keep up with their grandchildren.
The Bridge to Our Grandchildren
The relationship we build with our grandchildren is based on the relationship we have with our children and respecting them as parents. This is where grandparenting is difficult. Our grandchildren are part of our family and if biological, part of us. It would make sense that all grandparents have lots of opportunities to create that unique grandparent/grandchild bond. But in reality, our children as parents influence how that relationship starts, develops and continues.
Many factors influence our grandchildren’s parents. From a grandchild’s age and health, a grandparent’s age and health, the parents’ marital status, the grandparent’s marital status and geographic proximity are just a few.
COVID-19 is influencing the relationship we build. All levels of Canadian government are warning about the danger of COVID-19 on seniors. At one point, one health warning was not to visit with grandparents as seniors over 65 were at greater risk. Not all grandparents are over 65, but we were all painted with the same brush. I got tested for COVID-19 so my grandchildren’s parents could make informed decisions about when they were comfortable about visiting.
Our relationship with our children
I have found that the relationship I have with my daughter has changed since she became a mother and me a grandmother. I certainly appreciated her parenting skills as I watched her avoid the mistakes I had made. I respect the decisions she is making as a new mom and continue to be impressed with her patience, common sense and sense of humour that guides her through her day. While the relationship was never strained, I think we both would agree there were things I could have handled better. I truly believe she learned from my mistakes and learned from daycare providers who cared for her as I worked.
I know I am lucky, as many grandparents are denied access to their grandchildren. Some have taken legal action. The rights of Canadian grandparents are forefront in many grandparents’ minds. It takes courage and persistence to go that route, but a grandparent’s love for his/her grandchild is strong and unwavering.
COVID-19 and Canadian grandparents
At one point, deciding how to engage with our grandparents was between us and our grandchildren’s parents. However, sinde the onset of COVID, pubic health restrictions have forced us to be creative. We are adapting to screen time and building long distance relationships even though our grandchildren could live less than 15 minutes away.
We are creative. One soon-to-be grandmother living in a highly restricted area, became a “housekeeper” who according to the regulations in her area meant staying with her daughter while they all welcomed the new baby. Others are taking to good old letter writing becoming pen pals. I have a weekly video game time with my grandson. He is teaching me Minecraft.
So much love, so little time
With the average age of a first time Canadian grandparent being 51, becoming a grandparent comes at a time when there is an overlap with an active lifestyle and full-time commitments. There is much to work out based on availability and parental needs. Having a conversation before the grandchildren arrives is best and then be prepared for a change when the baby arrives, and his/her new parents are struck with reality.
It is a conversation we have to have multiple times as the grandchild grows up. Our health will change over time as will our financial capacity. We may go through a tough emotional transition when our partners pass away. Because Canadians are living to 100 years plus, as a grandparent, you may be looking after one or both of your parents. Decisions will have to be made regarding priorities – our parents or our grandchildren.
We are redefining Canadian grandparents and we are enjoying every minute of it.