What To Do Before The Baby is Born
You have just heard the news. You are going to be a grandparent for the first time. There are a million thoughts swirling around in your head while your heart beats with unprecedented excitement. Take a deep breath. Here are some tips so you are ready for the arrival of your first grand bundle of joy.
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- Savour the moment
- Embrace your new parent-child relationship
- Listen and appreciate
- Recognize times have changed
- Don’t be offended
- Keep a grandparent journal
- Choose a name
- Start learning what’s new about safety
- Keep the gifts in check
- Ask before posting
- Develop relationships with other grandparents
- Leave your ego out of this
- Get ready for the birth of your first grandchild
Savour the Moment
Your grandchild isn’t even born and you already have plans. You are excited and you should be. But don’t overthink this. There is lots of time to cherish what will be so take it slow. Know that you are about to begin the best time of your life. Just enjoy the moment. Then embrace your new relationship with your own child and his/her partner.
Embrace your new parent-child relationship
It has been said that a grandchildren is a miracle, but a renewed relationship with your child is even a greater one.” So true.
We watched our children grow up into the smart independent individuals they are. We have been happy for them as they made good choices in their lives including their partner with whom they will share a beautiful baby. But things are different now.
You realize this will be your grandchild but not your child. Your grown up child will be responsible for all the decisions you were once responsible for. You have to hand over the parenting reigns and let them learn, day by day, the joys and tribulations of being a parent. The responsibilities are about to shift.
It is important to recognize that while they are as they excitedly announcing they are expecting their first child, it is all new to them. Recognize that while they are preparing for the biggest change in their lives, everyone, out of love, tells them what they should and shouldn’t be doing.
Don’t be one of those “should do/ shouldn’t do” people. Be the calm one and go with the flow. Even at this early stage, you are establishing a new relationship with your own child. In this relationship, they are in control, learning as they go. They don’t need their parents (new grandparents) inserting themselves and their opinions on them. When they have questions, they will ask.
Listen and appreciate
Your child and partner are going through the biggest and most permanent change in their lives. They will do it together. They know what is important to them and it is important to recognize that what they decide may not align with what you think.
There will be times when you don’t agree with their decisions. If it is not going to cause harm, then respect their decisions and move on. If they want your opinion, they will ask.
It is really about allowing them to find their way and you to understand the boundaries they are setting as they figure things out.
It may be hard not to say something but don’t. Your grandchild hasn’t even be born yet. Don’t let animosity get in the way of establishing a loving supportive relationship you both deserve.
Recognize times have changed
It has been a couple of decades or more since you were expecting your first child. Times have changed and how people view parenting has changed. Our children’s generation is more child-centred than we were. Now there are gender reveal parties and ultrasounds of babies in the womb are posted online. New parents turn to online forums for information. We, as their own parents, are not necessarily the first place they turn for advice or guidance.
They are also only-the-best for my child parents. As Alyson Schafer, a Canadian psychotherapist points out in Zoomer magazine, “This generation is obsessed about the care, feeding and nurturing of their children and they don’t trust anybody.”
Don’t be offended
The parents have their opinions and will probably consider themselves right. There will be times when you speak up offering advice yet they end up doing or planning the exact opposite. Don’t be offended and know they are trying to show that they are the parents now and they know what they are doing. As Ms Schafer points out, “…comments are really not helpful and are often taken as criticism.”
You have to build trust over time and you will. In the meantime, learn the nuances of the parents-to-be while the pregnancy progresses. They don’t need your judgement; they need your love and acceptance.
Keep a grandparent journal
Start with the first day when you found out you were becoming a grandparent. Include how you felt and what you were doing at the time. Do the same thing again on the day your grandchild is born. An option is to note what was happening in the world on the special day. Keep notes and pictures for your grandchild’s keepsake so they know how loved they are.
Choose a name
You probably started thinking about this the second you heard about the new baby is on it way. For some grandparents, it is easy. Others, not so much. Surprisingly, it may not be as easy as you think.
There are many ways to view your options: traditional, celebrity formal, cultural influences. The best part is that today anything is acceptable. Boomers have changed how grandparents look at names and have developed their own style. Make your choice your own.
Start learning what’s new about safety
Things have changed since your children were young. What was considered then may not be safe now. That car seat
and crib in the garage you have been saving for this very time, they are probably not good anymore. Check CSA for the latest safety rules on products.Keep the gifts in check
A grandchild on the way. It is time to go shopping. Don’t. At least not until you have had the conversation with the parents-to-be. Let them decide what they want and need. Remember that space may be limited and they may have definitive plans for what they want. A conversation about gifts will be particularly valuable if you are planning to buy large gifts like a crib or nursery cabinets in addition to baby showers and baby reveal parties. The expecting parents may be specific wishes for the nursery.
Consider the timing of when you give gifts. What do they need when the baby is born and what do they need over the first year. It isn’t important that the baby have a jolly jumper the day they come home from the hospital, however a good stack of diapers would be handy.
Ask before posting
Sharing the news that you are becoming a grandparent on Facebook and Instagram may make perfect sense to grandparents. It may not be what the new parents want. Maybe they want to be the ones who announce the new arrival. They may not want the news online at all.
Develop a relationship with the other grandparents
While you are waiting for the new arrival, take the time to get to know the other related grandparents. You may or may not be in contact with them very much, but this is a good opportunity to reach out.
Find out what they think of their new role. It may be different based on their family traditions and cultures and experience with their own parents as grandchild and even wishful thinking. Casual conversations about how they are feeling about being grandparents will help make the transition for both of you.
One thing to ask is what they are planning to be called. If there is going to be an overlap as can happen particularly with grandfathers, be creative or leave it to the grandchild to sort out. Our daughter had two grandfathers, both named Grandpa, until she was old enough to make her own distinction: “Grandpa” and “Grandpa-with-a- mustache.”
Leave your ego out of this
Don’t let competition between grandparents begin. Conversations can lead to issues like gift giving or holding showers, reveal parties. Be flexible and consensus building in your approach. The focus needs to be on building family ties with strong relationships.
Alyson Schafer points out that it is easy to lose that focus. She says “There can also be competition among grandparents about who sees the grandkids more, who gets asked to do the care giving, who gives more elaborate gifts – all of which erode closeness.”
Keep the expectant parents in mind. They are trying to figure out their new life and they don’t need to start by referring grandparent issues. Grandparenting is not a competition.
Get ready for the birth of your first grandchild
Start by remembering you are not the parent and you are not in control of the circumstances. The best thing you can do for the new parents is find out how they view your role as a grandparent.
One thing to find out is if you are wanted at the hospital. In some cultures, the grandparents are at the hospital and in some cases the grandmother in the room. You may not be wanted. Have the conversation with the parents before the big day. Emotions run high when a baby is born and the focus should be on the birth of the baby not on the grandparents wishes.
Congratulations on becoming a Canadian grandparent. We are glad to have you join us.